Title: Shiver
Genre: YA Paranormal
35 Word Pitch:
Haley Jones is ready to haunt Kyle-freakin’-Hicks for the
rest of his life for dubbing her Haleytosis after one kiss. Falling in love
with him all over again was not a part of the plan.
First 250:
What the hell is Kyle
Hicks doing at my funeral?
Clenching my hands into fists I charge through row after row of
people dressed in black. Each body I pass through shivers at my chill. I hear
so many thoughts at once as I float in and out of different minds. Cries, singing, prayers and flipping grocery lists bellow in my ears, weighing me down. I feel like
I’m being sucked backwards into a vacuum.
Every emotion drains more energy from me until I'm stuck about two rows behind him in the lap of my old History teacher. Gross.
What am I even doing? It’s not like I can wrap my fingers
around his thick neck and squeeze until his eyes bulge out. The best I can do
is give him a brief brain freeze by slipping through his skin. Knowing him,
he’d probably enjoy it.
Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
“Haley had a loving heart and a gentle soul. Look around at
the many lives she touched,” Pastor Brown says lifting his hands to the
congregation.
I want to vomit…if I had a stomach that is. The only people in this
place that gave a crap about me are my mom, sister, and Julie. Screw everyone
else.
I mean, please, Kelly Hill? I was never on the invite list
to one of her parties. Brad Andrews? The
only time he ever spoke to me was once when he asked me to move so he could get
into his locker. I’m pretty sure he called me Holly too.
My thoughts:
I thought the pitch was pretty good. Haleytosis made me laugh and I'm curious to know more about the relationship between the two. I'm guessing there has to be a little bit more than calling her Haleytosis to make the MC want to haunt the poor guy for life. I know it's only 35 words, but can you give us just a bit more? Did the nickname scare away all guys? Did she get knocked out of the popular click? Was she made fun of everyday?
Ex. Haley Jones looked forward to haunting Kyle-freakin’-Hicks (for wrecking her social status) when he nicknamed her Haleytosis following their kiss. Falling in love with him all over again wasn’t a part of the plan.
You can put in whatever works for your story in the parentheses. This is just a suggestion.
What the hell is Kyle Hicks doing at my funeral?
Clenching my hands into fists I charge through row after row of people (mourners?) dressed in black. Each body I pass through shivers at my chill.I hear so many thoughts at once as I float
in and out of different minds. Cries, singing, prayers and flipping grocery
lists bellow in my ears, weighing me down (I understand what you're trying to say, but this doesn't flow well. Below you mention the emotions drag Haley down. Maybe change to pain, fear, sadness, emptiness or some other emotions). I feel like I’m being sucked
backwards into a vacuum. Every emotion drains more energy from me until I'm
stuck about two rows behind him in the lap of my old History teacher. Gross. Since we are already in Haley’s head I’d drop the italics.
What am I even doing? It’s not like I can wrap my fingers around his thick neck and squeeze until his eyes bulge out. The best I can do is give him a brief brain freeze by slipping through his skin. Knowing him, he’d probably enjoy it. Great voice here.
Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! I don’t think you need this. Unless she screams it out loud, it's clear she doesn't like the guy.
“Haley had a loving heart and a gentle soul. Look around at the many lives she touched,” Pastor Brown says lifting his hands to the congregation.
I want to vomit…if I had a stomach that is. The only people in this place that gave a crap about me are my mom, sister, and Julie. Screw everyone else. A transition here might make this smoother. “I look around the crowd and wonder who exactly he’s talking too” or something showing the Pastor’s thoughts distracted her from Kyle.
I mean, please, Kelly Hill? I was never on the invite list to one of her parties. Brad Andrews? The only time he ever spoke to me was once when he asked me to move so he could get into his locker. I’m pretty sure he called me Holly too. Cute.
My thoughts:
I thought the pitch was pretty good. Haleytosis made me laugh and I'm curious to know more about the relationship between the two. I'm guessing there has to be a little bit more than calling her Haleytosis to make the MC want to haunt the poor guy for life. I know it's only 35 words, but can you give us just a bit more? Did the nickname scare away all guys? Did she get knocked out of the popular click? Was she made fun of everyday?
Ex. Haley Jones looked forward to haunting Kyle-freakin’-Hicks (for wrecking her social status) when he nicknamed her Haleytosis following their kiss. Falling in love with him all over again wasn’t a part of the plan.
You can put in whatever works for your story in the parentheses. This is just a suggestion.
What the hell is Kyle Hicks doing at my funeral?
Clenching my hands into fists I charge through row after row of people (mourners?) dressed in black. Each body I pass through shivers at my chill.
What am I even doing? It’s not like I can wrap my fingers around his thick neck and squeeze until his eyes bulge out. The best I can do is give him a brief brain freeze by slipping through his skin. Knowing him, he’d probably enjoy it. Great voice here.
Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! I don’t think you need this. Unless she screams it out loud, it's clear she doesn't like the guy.
“Haley had a loving heart and a gentle soul. Look around at the many lives she touched,” Pastor Brown says lifting his hands to the congregation.
I want to vomit…if I had a stomach that is. The only people in this place that gave a crap about me are my mom, sister, and Julie. Screw everyone else. A transition here might make this smoother. “I look around the crowd and wonder who exactly he’s talking too” or something showing the Pastor’s thoughts distracted her from Kyle.
I mean, please, Kelly Hill? I was never on the invite list to one of her parties. Brad Andrews? The only time he ever spoke to me was once when he asked me to move so he could get into his locker. I’m pretty sure he called me Holly too. Cute.
I love good ghost story. The pitch is intriguing. Change the tense in one of the sentences so they match.
ReplyDeleteI like the first page. I would suggest adding the Kyle-freakin-Hicks to the first line. It really shows the MCs voice.
You could probably trim a bit in the first paragraph, maybe taking out the vacuum sentence. You mention the MC being weighed down, then pulled back, then drained of energy. Just a bit redundant.
Overall it's a nice start and I would read more.
I totally agree with the first line :)
DeleteCute blurb, but I agree it needs to have a bit more to justify the haunting for life. :)
DeleteI enjoyed both the pitch and the excerpt :-)
ReplyDeleteFor the pitch, since it is YA, the MC's age will be a good addition. As Meredith mentioned, being nicknamed Haleytosis is certainly not nice but to haunt someone for it gives me pause. Did the nickname ruin her life? Is the nickname the reason Haley is now one of the dearly departed?
i.e. Dead at seventeen, Haley Jones vows to haunt Kyle Hicks for the rest of life. Dubbing her Halytosis after one kiss spiraled her life out of control. (or something that gives a bit of the stakes in addition to her falling in love again)
The only other things have been pointed out so no need to echo what's be artfully said already.
Wishing you the best with this :-)
This isn't a genre I read on a regular basis, but I love this submission. It's sharp, it's witty, and the name calling fits the audience. I agree about adding Kyle-freakin-Hicks to the first line. Love the image wrapping her fingers around Kyle's "thick" neck creates.
ReplyDeleteI would add a comma after "Pastor Brown says," and remove the word "was" from the next to the last line by rewording it slightly.
I would love to see more of this.
The pitch was very interesting and will catch attention. I didn't feel much emotion, though. How does it feel to walk through someone? I can only guess maybe she has already gotten over the initial shock of being dead.
ReplyDeleteOver all, I want to read more. :)