Title: Shiver
Genre: YA Paranormal
35 Word Pitch:
Haley Jones is ready to haunt Kyle-freakin’-Hicks for the
rest of his life for dubbing her Haleytosis after one kiss. Falling in love
with him all over again was not a part of the plan.
First 250:
What the hell is Kyle
Hicks doing at my funeral?
Clenching my hands into fists I charge through row after row of
people dressed in black. Each body I pass through shivers at my chill. I hear
so many thoughts at once as I float in and out of different minds. Cries, singing, prayers and flipping grocery lists bellow in my ears, weighing me down. I feel like
I’m being sucked backwards into a vacuum.
Every emotion drains more energy from me until I'm stuck about two rows behind him in the lap of my old History teacher. Gross.
What am I even doing? It’s not like I can wrap my fingers
around his thick neck and squeeze until his eyes bulge out. The best I can do
is give him a brief brain freeze by slipping through his skin. Knowing him,
he’d probably enjoy it.
Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
“Haley had a loving heart and a gentle soul. Look around at
the many lives she touched,” Pastor Brown says lifting his hands to the
congregation.
I want to vomit…if I had a stomach that is. The only people in this
place that gave a crap about me are my mom, sister, and Julie. Screw everyone
else.
I mean, please, Kelly Hill? I was never on the invite list
to one of her parties. Brad Andrews? The
only time he ever spoke to me was once when he asked me to move so he could get
into his locker. I’m pretty sure he called me Holly too.
My thoughts:
I thought the pitch was pretty good. Haleytosis made me laugh and I'm curious to know more about the relationship between the two. I'm guessing there has to be a little bit more than calling her Haleytosis to make the MC want to haunt the poor guy for life. I know it's only 35 words, but can you give us just a bit more? Did the nickname scare away all guys? Did she get knocked out of the popular click? Was she made fun of everyday?
Ex. Haley Jones looked forward to haunting Kyle-freakin’-Hicks (for wrecking her social status) when he nicknamed her Haleytosis following their kiss. Falling in love with him all over again wasn’t a part of the plan.
You can put in whatever works for your story in the parentheses. This is just a suggestion.
What the hell is Kyle Hicks doing at my funeral?
Clenching my hands into fists I charge through row after row of people (mourners?) dressed in black. Each body I pass through shivers at my chill.I hear so many thoughts at once as I float
in and out of different minds. Cries, singing, prayers and flipping grocery
lists bellow in my ears, weighing me down (I understand what you're trying to say, but this doesn't flow well. Below you mention the emotions drag Haley down. Maybe change to pain, fear, sadness, emptiness or some other emotions). I feel like I’m being sucked
backwards into a vacuum. Every emotion drains more energy from me until I'm
stuck about two rows behind him in the lap of my old History teacher. Gross. Since we are already in Haley’s head I’d drop the italics.
What am I even doing? It’s not like I can wrap my fingers around his thick neck and squeeze until his eyes bulge out. The best I can do is give him a brief brain freeze by slipping through his skin. Knowing him, he’d probably enjoy it. Great voice here.
Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! I don’t think you need this. Unless she screams it out loud, it's clear she doesn't like the guy.
“Haley had a loving heart and a gentle soul. Look around at the many lives she touched,” Pastor Brown says lifting his hands to the congregation.
I want to vomit…if I had a stomach that is. The only people in this place that gave a crap about me are my mom, sister, and Julie. Screw everyone else. A transition here might make this smoother. “I look around the crowd and wonder who exactly he’s talking too” or something showing the Pastor’s thoughts distracted her from Kyle.
I mean, please, Kelly Hill? I was never on the invite list to one of her parties. Brad Andrews? The only time he ever spoke to me was once when he asked me to move so he could get into his locker. I’m pretty sure he called me Holly too. Cute.
My thoughts:
I thought the pitch was pretty good. Haleytosis made me laugh and I'm curious to know more about the relationship between the two. I'm guessing there has to be a little bit more than calling her Haleytosis to make the MC want to haunt the poor guy for life. I know it's only 35 words, but can you give us just a bit more? Did the nickname scare away all guys? Did she get knocked out of the popular click? Was she made fun of everyday?
Ex. Haley Jones looked forward to haunting Kyle-freakin’-Hicks (for wrecking her social status) when he nicknamed her Haleytosis following their kiss. Falling in love with him all over again wasn’t a part of the plan.
You can put in whatever works for your story in the parentheses. This is just a suggestion.
What the hell is Kyle Hicks doing at my funeral?
Clenching my hands into fists I charge through row after row of people (mourners?) dressed in black. Each body I pass through shivers at my chill.
What am I even doing? It’s not like I can wrap my fingers around his thick neck and squeeze until his eyes bulge out. The best I can do is give him a brief brain freeze by slipping through his skin. Knowing him, he’d probably enjoy it. Great voice here.
Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! I don’t think you need this. Unless she screams it out loud, it's clear she doesn't like the guy.
“Haley had a loving heart and a gentle soul. Look around at the many lives she touched,” Pastor Brown says lifting his hands to the congregation.
I want to vomit…if I had a stomach that is. The only people in this place that gave a crap about me are my mom, sister, and Julie. Screw everyone else. A transition here might make this smoother. “I look around the crowd and wonder who exactly he’s talking too” or something showing the Pastor’s thoughts distracted her from Kyle.
I mean, please, Kelly Hill? I was never on the invite list to one of her parties. Brad Andrews? The only time he ever spoke to me was once when he asked me to move so he could get into his locker. I’m pretty sure he called me Holly too. Cute.
